What the haven’t been raped don’t understand about the raped

And what it takes time for the raped to understand — is it’s not about sex.

The feeling of inner descent that follows rape is hard to explain and for me, it’s been even harder to understand and recover from.

There may be better experts on rape than me.

“Rape Expert” is not a title I aspire to.

I have lived it.

My experience is first hand.

I was raped when I was thirteen.

I lost my virginity to rape.

I have had many decades to come to terms with it and find a peace about it.

I read about rape and PTSD. I had therapy — most of it not very good. Determined to heal, I also participated in a clinical study and became a lab rat. I tried self help programs and online support forums. Ultimately I found Cognitive Processing Therapy which was helpful and did work, but it was brutal.

Buddhist practices of mindfulness and mediation brings me the greatest peace about this wound and all of the wounds of life. It’s the fight with the past that will never change that seems to bring the most pain. Acceptance brings an end to that fight and that suffering. Still, even with wise practice and good therapy, there has always something I felt I needed to understand about rape. I think I have come to understand it now.

Rape is a violation of the soul.

If it’s only a physical act, that doesn’t last long, why is it so profoundly painful? Why is it that it caused such a deep ache within me for decades? I believe the truth is that it’s not just a physical act, it’s a spiritual violation.

The great Irish Philosopher/Poet John O’Donohue wrote in Beauty, The Invisible Embrace, that the truth about the soul is that we live in the soul, the soul doesn’t reside in us. I think it’s a beautiful way to think of the soul and about what it means to be human. If we take the perspective that we live in our souls, then we can feel embraced by our soul all the time.

If we live in our souls, then it’s easy to see that the act of consensual sex is the connection of souls.

The high of an orgasm, the feeling of sexual ecstasy is at its best a spiritual high. I believe that as spiritual beings we need this type of connection with one another. Two lovers being authentic and open with one another experience the most intimate and special connection and this is one of the most beautiful gifts creation has bestowed upon us.

And this is why rape is so devastating.

It takes place at a soul level.

There are many explanations for why rape hurts so much and for so long. There are many ways of understanding it, all profoundly personal. Rape is personal. It is demeaning and dehumanizing. It’s the most intimate violation of all.

For me, the reason it’s so painful and so hard to understand is that although we humans are very spiritual creatures, we talk so little about our spirit and our souls so we don’t understand the nature of the violation. If we don’t understand the spiritual nature of the violation, we cannot heal our spirits.

I don’t know how to stop rape. It seems to me that a good place to start would be more openness about sexuality. We should also respect sex more for the spiritual connection it brings. We should respect sex much more than we do, and leave shame behind, perhaps then, rape would happen less often — never at all maybe too much to ask for.

Certainly sex can be so much less than a spiritual connection, but I think it’s always there even when it’s not what we think we’re seeking or experiencing.

I believe anything done with true mutual consent is positive and beautiful.

But rape is not sex, it’s not just a physical act and I think it must impact and hurt the soul of the rapist as well.

I cannot believe that a human being could commit this act unless wounded, spiritually wounded and disconnected from their souls.

Finding compassion for the rapist is not easy. I think it’s the final piece of peace and healing.