Body Struggles.

I’ve been struggling with my body for most of my life. From the time I hit puberty up until now, I’d never felt like I was attractive. My face has always been round (oh, how I wish I had cheek bones!), my stomach has never been flat… Every single day I see magazine covers determining what dress size is considered “fat” or what exact amount of weight is considered to be “overweight.”

Just recently, I saw that Amy Schumer criticized Glamour magazine for calling her “plus-size.” She even stated her numbers.. Schumer is in between a size 6 and an 8, and she’s 160 pounds. In other words, compared to the rest of America, the size of an “average” woman; not necessarily “plus” because it’s considered to be size 16. On the one hand, it’s detrimental to call an average sized woman overweight, because then it confuses people on what “overweight (or rather, actual obesity/or having high cholesterol/diabetes/other indicators of an unhealthy body)” and “healthy” really are. But on the other side of this argument, it reinforces the ever-lingering stigma that anyone “plus size” is obese, unhealthy, slobbish, lazy etc. which also isn’t true at all.

It frustrates me so much to see comments saying “we all know that Amy isn’t tiny, but the good news is, she can always lose weight!” or that people who are bigger and comfortable with it are bad influences to healthy people. The reality of it is, we’re all struggling. Overweight people? Even if they ARE comfortable with their size? Would still love to be a little smaller. To be in better shape, to not get stared at, to have better clothing options considering most plus size clothing is just a large piece of fabric sewn together with the tackiest patterns possible… But sometimes, even if we try to lose weight, we can’t. It’s hard. Because of genetics, financial situations, our health…

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which means I’m in a constant battle with my body over losing weight. My metabolism sucks most of the time, I have to especially watch what I eat because dairy, soy, and carbs affect my insulin levels, I’m at a higher risk for diabetes… People with my syndrome don’t lose weight easily, even with the help of medication. Unless we can afford personal fitness trainers and go on an all-vegan carb free diet, we will more than likely never be size 2’s. When people say that anyone with a bit of fat on them isn’t healthy and that there’s always room to lose more weight, it is truly insulting to me. I go to the gym, I eat mostly healthy (I’m human, I have to treat myself sometimes), I take the proper medications to aid my PCOS… To have some stranger accuse me and every other person struggling with their weight of being unhealthy and “not trying” is heartbreaking. It makes my fight to love myself that much more difficult.

I know that self love and worth should never be based on what other people think of you, but when you’re constantly bombarded with weight-loss ads and magazine headlines pointing out how so-and-so gained a few pounds after having a baby, you start to question whether you’ll ever feel good enough.

I’m always trying to love my body — On top of a little extra weight, I deal with unwanted body hair, as well as anxiety/depression. I know that I’ll never be perfect, but it seems that I’ll always find myself thinking:

Wow I wish my waist was thinner. I wish I had cheekbones. I wish my face was sculpted and I didn’t have extra fat under my chin.

I have gained about 40 pounds since I started college. Since I got diagnosed with PCOS, I’ve lost about 11 pounds. Every day, I have to exercise and keep myself from stress eating (which is really hard by the way when relationships and school make you want to bury yourself in pizza and cheeseburgers and lay in bed forever.) It’s going to be a long journey for me to feel completely comfortable in my body.

Until then, I’ll surround myself with people that don’t obsess over their appearance. People that eat more than just salads when they’re out, who aren’t constantly counting calories. Even if I can’t fully love myself just yet, at least I can be with people that will push me in the right direction and support me no matter what size I am.